INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

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Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not


Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.


the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise


You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.


Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”


When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring


All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.


Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…


Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.