INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Don’t tell me what to do
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.