@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

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@Divergentmama

Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not

@MarieLoerzel

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

@yupthatpaul

the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

@robrouse

Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”

@mindykaling

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.