interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have