interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Krampus.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.