Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
fair
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣