Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter






Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

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pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary


Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation


Me: Sorry sorry *tears welling up* so sorry

Her: oh honey…



bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack


God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.


When life tosses me a football, I’m the ref who’s not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face


Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?


me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her


If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.