Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
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anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.