@fro_vo

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

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@sickipediabot

Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?

@pattymo

GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@sonictyrant

Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t

@Mr_Kapowski

This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@TheAndrewNadeau

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

@Staggfilms

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed