Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

You Might Also Like


Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?


GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank


Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t


This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.


doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof


SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.


Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed