Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
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GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
I wore a mask to run errands today
Accidentally robbed a bank
I’m giving up for Lent.
Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized
Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t
This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth
Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed