@fro_vo

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

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@Jason_Horton

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry 🙁

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@BringDaNoyz

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

@Ivsy01

Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.

@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.