Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Mornin
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.