I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
You Might Also Like
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
How times have changed.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.