INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake