@mjkspeaks

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

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@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@AnkCoupleTO

Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*

@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

@adamgreattweet

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@CorkyKneivel

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”