Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Husband: *buys her flowers*
H: *buys her jewellery*
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.
In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
*Spoiler Alert* Siamese cats are just one cat, not two cats in one.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”