I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The cashier just checked me out.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.