Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

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STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?


My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.


Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.


[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”


I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.


If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.


Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house


HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom