@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

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@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

@secondhand_cake

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@Spaziotwat

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

@HeidiCF8

I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.

@alucardsdream

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@PaperFury

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

@briangaar

HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom