[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My patience has stretch marks.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning