@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

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@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@BigO_303

This third bottle of wine has turned everything into a microphone.

@garrettbarry70

Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….

DAAAD!

@lilgapeach32

Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.
Amen

@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@imshitimsorry

lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies