its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Fluff me with a fork baby
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced