How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
This third bottle of wine has turned everything into a microphone.
Dad, was I a cocky teenager?
Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….
Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Good luck with your little skits!”
lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies