[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
favorite tropes as memes
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.