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@sonictyrant

mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@dafloydsta

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@Shwetangles

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@AmyLee_W

HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?

@ozzyunc

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@CrockettForReal

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

@MomOnFire

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?