My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*