@urmumsausername

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

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@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@vexroid

Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@Rockenden

I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.

@Sickayduh

[Lie detector]
“You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?”
– Yes
*needle going nuts*
“I, sir, have been owned”

@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies