[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.