Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
me: how much do you charge?
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Don’t forget to tip your server
Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??
Me: Beats me
*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
“You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?”
*needle going nuts*
“I, sir, have been owned”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies