[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’