[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.