[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.