[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
You Might Also Like
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep