[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?