Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*