[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?