[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it