HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
We need more people like this.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
👾👾👾
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*