@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

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@jaimekessel

Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding

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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

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I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

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@TheHyyyype

[reading crime and punishment]

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@trumpetcake

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
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@GerryDuggan

Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.

@SortaBad

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams