So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

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Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding


toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do


I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.


[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this


I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.


Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.


I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams