It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.