@novicefather

[interview]

“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”

Me: no

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@ScottLinnen

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

@simoncholland

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@NervousJr

My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.

@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

@junejuly12

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

@truegritrumble

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@abbycohenwl

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is