[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”