[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.