@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

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@BigJDubz

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

@greeneyed_meg

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@thewritertype

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab