STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab