[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
pizza
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job