[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors