@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

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@junejuly12

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@MomofTeen

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

@UnFitz

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?