[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.