SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I love the National Park Service.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic