[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers