@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

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@dafloydsta

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@Concertina81

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@justabloodygame

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

@thequeensheart

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@mynameisntdave

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember