@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

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@NewDadNotes

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@TrophyWifeDayna

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

@jackiembouvier

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

@Jandalize

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

@ScottLinnen

Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

@withanewname

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

@XLToast

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No