Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
M: So we can eat.
M: To stay alive.
M: I have no idea.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
“Five year plan?”
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No