“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.


Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.


I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.


My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.


Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.


I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.


It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.


95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.


POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember