[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
i love modern commerce
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
You deplete me
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.