[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever