Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Meow
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.