Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
✌️
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs