[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽