Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.