[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?