[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
How funny!
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*