[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”

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My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?



My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.


Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?


[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”


Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”


7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.


25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.


Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you