eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭