Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Solving a traffic jam
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??