@AmishPornStar1

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

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@Marlebean

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@DaveTheAlbino

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

@mela_shea

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

@lottydoes

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

@fowlerism

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

@IanKarmel

Everyone: I would like an outlet near my bed.
Hotels: Heres an iHome we bought when Bush was President.

@ashleycrem

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

@ItsJusKimberly

[doorbell]

4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”