Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”


Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?


There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.


Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother


“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them


Everyone: I would like an outlet near my bed.
Hotels: Heres an iHome we bought when Bush was President.


I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.



4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”