“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Everyone: I would like an outlet near my bed.
Hotels: Heres an iHome we bought when Bush was President.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
4: *opens door
Hi, is your mom home?
4: she’s in the tower
mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”