You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Chicken bread
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker