[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
The pen is writier than the sword.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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