*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.


I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.


Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.


I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.


Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it


Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter


Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”


– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car




at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…