[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
You Might Also Like
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!