A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Ummm
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.